Back in familiar territory

Arriving in Schlaining, where I spent a year in 2006-2007, memories are being played back to me like an internal youtube playlist.

Coming here in 2006 was another chapter in the script that is still in the writing, although some universal force seem to be guiding me in the to where Im supposed to be.

From the first awkward moments of my self-conscious awareness of the world around me up until today, I have from time to time, usually 2-3 years between each time, after having gone through a lot of experiences during that time and just living in the moment, had awakening periods. Awakening, in that Im able to look back on who I was two years ago and realising how much I have changed since then. The first few times I was completely attached to my own ego, not realising that my every thought and feeling was a result of my egos hold over my being, resulting in me interpreting this personal development as a sure sign on my own excellence.

I have since then been blessed with meeting people not so attached to their own egos. Slowly but surely, it began sinking in. Meet people with an open and curious mindset, and life will give you plentiful rewards. Starting doing this, but still not fully realising why and still being for the most part bound to my own ego, the next couple of awakening moments led me to interpret them differently. 

Now, realising how much other people contribute to my own growth, I started seeing how everything is connected. What used to seem like coincidences, or products of my own excellence, now felt like were not random at all. I could see that because I treated people with care and respect, and even if not seeing them again for years, the very same people came back into my life and with them opportunities that I would not have been given if they didnt have a favourable impression of me. Coincidence became more and more of an illusion, but my own excellence I couldnt quite seem to shake off. These incidents of positive karma were still too far between for me to rule out that this could just be because I "deserved" it.

This brings us right up to the time when I arrived in Schlaining for the first time. I was really ready for a new direction and influence in my life, but not knowing how to get there. Thinking that peace studies would be the thing for me. But even though I met people with an open and caring mindset, I was still to some extent using people for my own benefit and amusement. I couldnt have come to a better place.

My year here was utterly painful. I thought that I had "understood" something about the world and about myself, and came in with a cocky attitude. What happened was the following: after being put in place several times by other students trying to inform me of my destructive behaviour and me still not getting it, the universe itself turned on me and gave me a lesson of a greater dimension. I kept making worse and even worse choices, going in to a spiral of hurt. My reaction? Drinking shitloads of alcohol, and when not doing that, keeping to myself in my room too embarrassed to face the world.

After receiving my first and hopefully last death threat, crashing a car while drunken driving, crashing my beloved laptop while drunk, breaking a tooth (yes, while drunk) and making "enemies" because of treating women like sexual objects, I finally let go. I cried, and I cried.

It was a crash course, and a very much needed one. I am immensly happy that through all of these endeavours, I still managed to make some friends that will be friends until the universe dissolves. My friends were my biggest critics, and for that I salute you. 

Even though, I had to wait two years, almost to the day that I crashed the car, for my next awakening moment. Im not keeping you in suspense on purpose...but right now I have to take a break. The youtube playlist just pumped up the volume.